If you had told me 6 years ago that I'd be happily co-parenting with the fathers of my children and our respective partners, I would have laughed out loud. Or cried. There was lots of crying back then. 

Now here we are, actually laughing together, at holidays and our kids’ graduations and birthday parties; and on family camping trips and international vacations. Note: my two kids have different dads and we’re now all partnered with other people.  

After each relationship ended, we were like most couples who split up: angry, hurt, and resentful. 

Most of our conversations ended with yelling or bitter character assassinations. A harmonious blended family seemed totally impossible. 

These days we happily chat each week. We make in-person dates to not only discuss the complexities of raising our kids, but to connect and support each other in our relationships and in our work because we genuinely like each other. 

Wait. What? Yup, we genuinely like each other. 

But How? 

I’m not going to sugarcoat it: transitioning from partnered to separated to happily co-parenting is a process that takes time and commitment.

But there are clear steps that you can take to speed up the process and move from conflict and turmoil to peace and cooperation. 

It’s not a quick fix, but it’s absolutely doable and totally worth the effort. 

You will be dealing with the father of your child for the rest of your life, so you decide, do you want a frosty, antagonistic dynamic or do you want ease, and maybe even joy? 

It’s up to you. 

Co-Parenting Secret #1: Clean Up Your Side of the Street  

Here’s the deal: you set the stage for a harmonious relationship with your ex. The ease you feel with him is in direct relationship to the ease you feel within yourself. 

Simply put: the more thoroughly you heal from the end of your romantic relationship, the better your co-parenting dynamic will be. Here’s how: 

Take the Time to Properly Mourn the End of Your Marriage 

First thing’s first: if you haven’t yet done so, you must grieve the end of your romantic relationship and tend to any lingering hurts and resentments that are taking up space in your mind and heart. 

There’s no way around this first step. It’s impossible to build a peaceful co-parenting dynamic on a shaky foundation. Whether you’ve been divorced for 10 years or he just moved out, you will have to address this stuff. 

 Enlist the support of a good therapist to help you let go of the dream of your marriage or romantic partnership. That particular dream with that particular man is done. It’s time to start letting go. 

You will also have to let go of the fantasy family you thought you were going to have. The shape of your family is different now. Accepting this reality is essential. 

Process any pain, bitterness, anger, fear, or despair that you’re feeling. “Processing” means allowing yourself to fully feel your feelings without distracting away from them with TV, food, shopping, drugs, alcohol, or blaming your ex. 

Lean on your therapist. Ask trusted friends and family members to listen to you without offering unsolicited advice. 

Walk in nature. Journal. Cry. Scream. Take a kickboxing class and beat the sh*t out of a punching bag. Do what you need to do to heal. This step takes as long as it takes, but start now. Don’t delay. 

Own Your Transgressions 

All relationships are a two-way street. If your relationship has ended, you inevitably acted out, said things you regret, and made mistakes. 

I certainly did.

As each of the romantic relationships with my boys’ fathers were falling apart (remember, I did this twice), there were many moments when I said unkind things, did unkind things, shut down emotionally, yelled, stomped, slammed doors, and generally acted like an indignant six-year-old. 

Embarrassing. And true. 

Take a good, hard look at your role in the relationship and its demise, assuming full personal responsibility for your part. It’s the truth that will lead you out of the pain, so get brave, hunt down those truths, and then face them squarely until they lose their grip on you.

Buy a notebook and dedicate it to this transitional time in your life. Sit down and make a brutally honest list of every moment when you acted out of integrity in your relationship. Push yourself to be real. No blaming your ex. No justifying your actions. Just full ownership for your part. Write down every shameful, immature, aggressive, hurtful thing you said or did. The list may be long. That’s ok. 

This is big work that requires a courageous heart. It’s not easy to face the ugly parts of yourself. 

Move slowly, but steadily here. This process can’t be rushed. A therapist can also really help. You don’t have to do it alone. We’re not supposed to do it alone. 

Forgive Yourself for All of It 

The next step is to forgive yourself for all of it. You were doing the best you could with the awareness you had at the time. Repeat: You were doing the best you could with the awareness you had at the time. 

Again, you don’t have to do this alone. You’re not supposed to. Lean on a therapist. Gather a team of trusted friends, people who can hold you through the process of taking accountability for your part and then compassionately forgiving yourself for all of it. 

A lack of forgiveness, whether it’s towards someone else or yourself, takes up precious real estate in your mind and heart making you less available for your kids and anything else that matters in your life. Do the big work of offering yourself the relief of self forgiveness  

Then, only if you’re ready, and if you think your ex will be open to it, apologize for your missteps. Let him know that you would do things differently with what you now know. Offer an apology only if you can do so with full sincerity and humility. No blaming him for your behavior. No pointing out all that he did to hurt you. No excuses. No justifications. 

Taking Care of You Sets the Stage For Easeful Co-parenting 

Cleaning up your side of the street is an essential step in building a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex. 

Once you’ve grieved the dream of the marriage and family you once had and healed the bulk of your pain and resentment, you will be able to see what’s actually there. It’s only from that place that you can begin to build the next iteration of your family. 

When you tend to what’s happening in your inner world it’s like cleaning a murky pane of glass that sits between you two leading to better communication, deeper respect and trust, and happier kids. 

If you’re ready to create a harmonious, fulfilling co-parenting dynamic download my free cheat sheet From Conflict to Calm: Essential Co-parenting Cheat Sheet for Stressed Out Moms. You’ll learn the 10 strategies for creating an easeful co-parenting relationship with your ex. 

Don’t miss my #2 Secret to Peaceful Co-Parenting with Two Exes. If I can do it with two exes (and their partners!) you can do it with one. Learn how!