Co-Parenting Bliss: My #2 Secret to Peaceful Co-Parenting with Two Exes

My two kids have different fathers. We’re each partnered with other people giving each of my boys two parents and two bonus parents. For years we’ve been co-parenting peacefully, often happily. 

I often think of a photo of us from a trip we all took to Guatemala, where my younger son’s stepmother has family. We’re sitting in a beautiful garden, the kids nestled between their parents and bonus parents, grinning like we won something. At holidays and on vacations we move in a pack, the kids weaving between us, descending on a destination in a complex configuration that leaves people guessing. The answer? We put in the work. 

In the years after the end of the romantic chapter of these relationships we committed to getting better—to being better, really. This was a process that began with a profoundly personal, and transformative step, my #1 secret to peaceful co-parenting (keep reading for my #2 secret!). We did the work and the results don’t lie. We now genuinely like and respect each other, so much so that we actually want to spend time together. We celebrate each other's victories, and offer care and support when things are hard. Most importantly, we have peace in our hearts. We are not angry, resentful, or bitter. 

Co-Parenting Secret #2: See the Dad within Your Ex  

The end of a romantic relationship is often brutal. Egos are bruised, feelings are trampled, your entire worldview is obliterated. There will inevitably be a period of extreme disconnection, resentment, and/or anger towards your ex. Co-parenting from this place can be brutal. Your trust in this person has been rattled and your fundamental understanding of the choices they make has been demolished. 

It’s here that the lines between you and your ex and your ex and your child(ren) can become extremely blurry. But there is a way out of this madness. 

He’s Still Your Kids’ Dad

Your ex may be infuriating and he’s still your kids’ dad. He may be manipulative, short-sighted, and self-centered. And he’s still their dad. The pathway out of anger and frustration is to shift your focus beyond the dynamic that the two of you have and highlight instead the love he has for your kids. 

What you focus on grows. So choose: will you focus on how he’s a jerk or will you focus on how deeply he loves the kids? If you’re questioning how much he loves them, keep in mind that you wouldn’t be entangled in this co-parenting web if he didn’t profoundly care for his children. He doesn’t have to be an active part in his kids’ lives. He’s choosing to. 

Support Your Kids’ Bond with Their Dad Instead of Focusing on Past Wrongs

Kids need their dad. Children with absent fathers can struggle with self-esteem issues their entire lives, trying to satisfy a longing that only their dad's unconditional love can fulfill. If yours are lucky enough to have a father that actually wants to be an active part of their lives, it’s your job to support that connection. In the early phases of co-parenting, when you’re still angry and hurting, it requires some pretty hefty personal work to be able to move beyond your own needs and put the kids first. But trust in your ability to do so! As moms, you have a deeply felt sense of what it’s like to center your kids’ needs. Now it’s time to turn the volume up on this generosity.  

Your child’s long-term mental and emotional wellbeing is your motivation to move beyond yourself and not only accept, but encourage and support your kids’ relationship with their dad.

BONUS: Quick Practice to Release Co-Parenting Tension 

When you feel the tentacles of frustration, irritation, fear, or control begin to wrap themselves around you try this short grounding practice: 

Notice the contact points where your feet meet the ground or where your legs and tush meet the seat that’s holding you up. Take a full inhalation for four counts, hold for four counts, then exhale fully for four counts and allow gravity to drop you a bit deeper down into your feet or your seat. Feel yourself releasing all constriction as you drop down. Repeat the process three times.